Being blamed for someone else's behaviour can be confusing and upsetting, particularly when it happens repeatedly within a relationship. You might find yourself apologising for things you haven't done, questioning your recollection of events or wondering whether you somehow caused the other person's reaction. Over time, you can begin to feel responsible not only for your own behaviour but also for their emotions, choices and actions.
In relationships characterised by narcissistic abuse, shifting responsibility onto someone else can become an established pattern. Rather than acknowledging the impact of their behaviour, the person redirects attention towards your perceived shortcomings. Understanding why this happens, as well as the psychological mechanisms involved, can help you recognise the pattern and begin to separate your responsibilities from those that have been placed upon you.
Why do narcissists blame others?
There are several psychological processes that can contribute to a persistent pattern of blaming others. While these mechanisms vary between individuals, they can help explain why accepting responsibility, acknowledging mistakes or recognising the impact of their behaviour may be particularly difficult.
Protecting a fragile sense of self
For some people with pronounced narcissistic traits, criticism, rejection or perceived failure can trigger what is sometimes described as narcissistic injury. These experiences can threaten their sense of self-worth and provoke intense feelings of shame, humiliation or inadequacy. Rather than tolerating these feelings and reflecting on their own behaviour, they may respond defensively by shifting responsibility onto someone else.
Projection
Projection is a psychological defence mechanism whereby someone attributes their own unwanted feelings, characteristics or behaviours to another person. For example, someone who is dishonest may repeatedly accuse their partner of lying, or someone who behaves in a controlling way may insist that their partner is controlling.
Projection is generally understood as a psychological defence mechanism that operates outside conscious awareness, although accusations and blame can also be used deliberately to manipulate or control another person. The effect can be to redirect attention away from their own behaviour and towards yours.
Limited self-awareness and empathy
Some individuals struggle to recognise how their behaviour affects other people. They may have difficulty reflecting on their own contribution to relationship difficulties or appreciating another person's emotional experience. This can make it easier to dismiss your feelings, minimise the harm caused or assume that any conflict must be someone else's fault.
Control and manipulation
Blame can also serve an interpersonal purpose. When you are repeatedly made responsible for arguments, emotional distress or relationship problems, you may become increasingly preoccupied with defending yourself and trying to keep the other person happy. Your attention shifts away from their behaviour and towards what you need to do differently. Over time, this can create a dynamic in which you carry an unequal share of the emotional responsibility for the relationship.
Understanding DARVO
One particularly damaging form of blame reversal is known as DARVO, an acronym for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. The term was developed by psychologist Jennifer Freyd to describe a response that can occur when someone is confronted about harmful behaviour.
The pattern typically involves three stages:
Deny: The person denies the behaviour or minimises what happened.
Attack: They criticise, discredit or undermine the person raising the concern.
Reverse Victim and Offender: They position themselves as the person who has been wronged, portraying the person who raised the issue as the aggressor.
You might raise concerns about your partner repeatedly criticising you or dismissing your feelings. They deny that this has happened, accuse you of being unreasonable or emotionally abusive, and eventually claim that they are the ones being mistreated. Suddenly, you are defending yourself against accusations rather than discussing the behaviour that originally caused you distress.
The focus shifts entirely. You may even find yourself comforting the person whose behaviour caused you distress.
The psychological impact of constantly being blamed
Being repeatedly blamed can gradually undermine your confidence and sense of self. When your feelings, perceptions and recollections are continually challenged, it can become difficult to trust your own judgement. You might find yourself mentally rehearsing conversations, carefully choosing your words or anticipating how the other person might react.
You may start to develop a heightened sense of responsibility for keeping the peace. This can mean suppressing your own feelings, avoiding difficult conversations and becoming increasingly focused on preventing conflict. Over time, you may begin to internalise the criticism. Things you were initially certain about become less clear, and you might start to see yourself through the other person's negative descriptions, losing confidence in your ability to judge situations independently.
You may also begin to question your own role in the relationship, wondering whether you are responsible for the difficulties or whether some of the accusations against you are justified. You might even question whether you are the abuser, particularly when the other person repeatedly portrays themselves as the victim and you as the aggressor. This can lead you to take on increasing amounts of blame, scrutinising your own behaviour while losing sight of the patterns of behaviour that have caused you harm.
The impact can continue long after the relationship has ended. You may struggle with guilt, self-doubt or a persistent feeling that you have done something wrong, even when there is no clear reason to feel that way.
Learning to separate your responsibility from theirs
Recognising these patterns is an important step towards rebuilding trust in yourself. In a healthy relationship, both people can acknowledge mistakes, take responsibility for their actions and discuss disagreements without one person consistently being made responsible for the other's behaviour.
You are responsible for your own actions, words and choices. You are not responsible for managing another person's emotions, preventing their anger or accepting blame for behaviour that belongs to them.
Rebuilding trust in yourself takes time, particularly after a relationship in which you have repeatedly questioned your own perceptions. Therapy can help you make sense of these experiences, recognise unhealthy patterns and reconnect with your own feelings and needs. Find out more about therapy for narcissistic abuse and how therapeutic support can help.